


Goodnight.

by tattsun_senpai



Category: Ensemble Stars! (Video Game)
Genre: Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Notes, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-16
Updated: 2020-07-16
Packaged: 2021-03-05 03:34:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,715
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25317652
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tattsun_senpai/pseuds/tattsun_senpai
Summary: To whoever may find this letter, I’d like to start off by saying sorry.
Kudos: 21





	Goodnight.

**Author's Note:**

> !!PLEASE, PLEASE PROCEED READING THIS WITH CAUTION!!
> 
> This story is mostly just OG HiMERU writing a suicide note, which is sort of a prequel to Please, Let Me Sleep (https://archiveofourown.org/works/25170643). Much like the previous fic OGMeru’s writing is based on several headcanons, an important one being he has a love for bugs and bees specifically.
> 
> This is not meant to glorify the idea of suicide or show it to be a good way of dealing with problems. This fic was written mostly for venting purposes, and I advise against reading this if you are sensitive to these topics or struggle greatly with thoughts like these yourself.
> 
> I can't help everyone individually. There's only so much I can do, but all I ask is that if you are reading this now and you struggle with these sorts of thoughts, urges, whatever it may be, please do your best to not hurt yourself or do anything extreme tonight.
> 
> This story only tackles the concepts of these topics, rather than delving deep into explicit methods and attempts. The most that appears is the beginning of the attempt, but no sort of detail goes into it. Still, if this story makes you uncomfortable, unhappy, whatever it may be at any moment, you're free to click off whenever.
> 
> Please do everything you can to take care of yourself. You're loved for. You deserve a chance at life. You deserve happiness.

He sat at his desk, trembling as his fragile hand gripped his pen tightly. Without even writing a word, he could feel himself starting to tear up. He felt as though he had done this a million times, only to discard the letter the second he finished. Something always got in his way. Something always stopped him. But his brother was asleep. His parents were nowhere to be seen. Everything was perfect. For once in his pathetic life, everything was perfect.

He took a few deep breaths, eyeing the paper resting on his desk. His pen hovered over, shaking in his palm. He’d probably regret not using something erasable to write this letter, but he almost didn’t care. All the mistakes of the past had been highlighted time and time again. This would only be another one to add to the growing pile.

 **Just start writing** , he told himself. **The faster you write, the faster you’ll sleep** _._

He took his pen, not even thinking of how to start the letter. He just opened up with whatever was on his mind. His writing was sloppier than normal, but he did his best to ensure it was at the very least legible. When it came to him and his brother, he always had the better handwriting out of the two. But now, his words looked like complete chicken scratch etched on a page.

_“To whoever may find this letter, I’d like to start off by saying sorry.”_

Even with those few words, he could feel tears threatening to drip off his cheeks. He was truly pathetic, wasn’t he? As always, he just had to be overly sensitive. He always had to be so overdramatic. 

_“I don’t know where to start. I have so much to apologize for because my birth has been nothing but god’s cruel mistake.”_

He recounted all the words his savior told him. It was true that he was a failure. It was true that his existence was meaningless, and that the world may have just been better off with him not living in it. God never made mistakes, so then why did God create him?

_“I’d like to start with an apology to Tatsumi. I’m sorry for always relying on you, even when you can’t help me. I’m sorry I’m so weak that I can’t stand for myself. You’ve really helped me in figuring out my place in this world. I’d like to thank you for that because, without you, I wouldn’t be here now.”_

He wiped tears from his eyes, afraid of staining the paper. He dropped his nickname for his only friend, knowing that he was probably tired of how childish he’d been for his age.

_“I’m just a bug, and you have the right to step all over me.”_

He crossed that line out quickly after writing it, feeling atrocious for comparing himself to something as lovely as his precious insect friends. They didn’t deserve being on the same level of scum like him. They were so, so much more.

_“I hope this will make you happy. I love you a lot. Maybe I love you more than a friend, even.”_

He crossed that out hastily as well. Now was no time to let some stupid gushy feelings out. His savior probably didn’t care that someone so low and putrid was interested in him. It’s not as though he would ever return the feelings, and maybe it was for the best.

_“I don’t have much to say to mom or dad. I don’t think they’ll even notice I’m gone, so I'll move on.”_

He was letting his words run wild on the page, letting that one sit there as he contemplated for a moment on what to write next. He had to write something to his brother, which he was dreading more than anything. Still, he wiped his face clear of his tears once more and pressed his pen to the page after taking a few more deep breaths.

_“Kaname,”_

His body froze after writing his name. He was tempted now to just throw the letter away and go to sleep, praying his brother wouldn’t dig through the trash or ask to see his wrists. But he had done this too many times. He had to stop being such a coward eventually. Even with guilt ringing in his heart, he continued.

_“You’re the most important person in the world to me. I think you feel the same about me, but I’ve never understood why.”_

He thought to all the times his brother dropped everything just to care for him. Whenever he was sickly, whenever he was crying, whenever he wasn’t happy, his brother was always by his side. Why? Why did he care so much?

_“I’m doing this not only for Tatsumi but for you as well. You’ve given up so much for me. You’re overworking yourself all for my sake, meanwhile, I sit and do what feels like nothing. I want to be useful to you. I want to make you happy like you’ve done for me for all my years of living. But let’s face it - I’m useless.”_

He chuckled softly, a small smile coating his lips as he recalled all the times he had failed to make his brother happy. There was the time he tried making dinner for them both, only for all the food to end up burnt and probably poisonous. There was the time he saved money for them to go to an amusement park together, but the day ended in a horrendous downpour. He always brought bad luck no matter where he went, huh?

_“Even with this, I’ve tried time and time again only to fail. I’ve lost track of what number-letter this is, hehe.”_

He crossed out the laugh. Who writes laughs? Especially in a note as grim as this? It was sick how even now he tried pretending to be happy.

_“I’ve depended on you for everything. Even if I’m independent as an idol, I don’t have any future or happiness awaiting me. I’m stupid. And bad at everything I do that isn’t singing or dancing. I’m hated by the world no matter how much I try and smile, and maybe that’s okay.”_

His words were flowing out on paper effortlessly now, letting all the thoughts locked in his head finally escape to their rightful place. His feelings looked best portrayed in shaky writing on a tear-stained letter.

_“I don’t have a future. But you do. You have people who love you, and you’re such a talented, smart person who has so much to look forward to in your future. You’re so hardworking, and deserve nothing but joy and happiness in your life.”_

He couldn’t bother to even wipe tears away anymore, letting them hit the page and drenching it even more in his sins. He tried to at least keep the teardrops away from the writing, not wanting any of it to smudge. But he failed at that, just as he did with everything else in life.

_“Your future's so bright. But it’s not going to shine if I’m in the picture. I’m holding you back from doing what makes you happy, so I want to ask something of you. Maybe it’s a selfish request, but in the end, it will be for your sake.”_

He had muffled his sobs up until this point but now felt ready to pour his entire heart out not only onto the page but in his cries as well. Even though he hadn’t been speaking, his throat felt weak and clogged up. Maybe if he was lucky, he’d end up throwing his guts up for an extra ounce of pain before his eventual passing.

_“I want you to forget about me. I want you to live as though I never existed.”_

He paused his writing there, reading the sentences over and over again. A world where he never existed sounded ideal. No parents ever want twins. No parents, especially his own, ever wanted him. It hurt to think about, but it was the harsh reality of this world. He was used to it at this point.

_“I love you a lot, and you want me to be happy, right? So please do this for me. It’ll make me the happiest bee in the world.”_

He wanted to scribble that last sentence away. He had no right to call himself a bee. They were hardworking and strong and continued to persist in a world so much larger and more terrifying than them. He wasn’t anything like that. He was a pathetic little larvae who could never spread his wings and take off. He wanted to get rid of it, but he couldn’t bring himself to for whatever reason.

_“I love you. I’m sorry if it hurts now, but I know later in life, Kana-chan will be much happier. I’ll rest easy and cheer you on from heaven, okay? So please, put your trust in me.”_

With those last words, the boy decided to put his pen down. He scanned the letter, again and again, resisting every urge in his body yelling at him to throw it out and stay another day. His brother would be sad. He’d never know why, but he just knew it’d be the case. He didn’t want his brother to cry, especially over him. But this was just the way things had to be.

After taking a moment to collect himself, he gripped the letter into his hands and started to make his way to the bathroom. He’d given up at this point time and time again. But not tonight. His brother’s door was shut tight, so hopefully, he’d sleep peacefully for once in his life.

He set the letter down on the counter and soon grabbed a loose razor he had kept secret in one of the bathroom drawers. His brother was always good at confiscating whatever may be used as a weapon against his skin, but somehow this one blade was left unnoticed. Perhaps it was fate, he thought to himself. Maybe this was a sign from his brother that he deserved to die.

“Goodnight Tatsumi. Goodnight Kaname.” He whispered, taking the blade to his wrist, ready to start what would hopefully be his final relapse.

“Sweet dreams,”

.

.

.

.

.

“HiMERU…?”

**Author's Note:**

> Please take care of yourselves, everyone.


End file.
